S.A.D..

i haz a S.A.D. Winter puts my mind in a little hole, where i want to hide. I've been laying around all day and no amount of inspiration seems to be working. I'm in bed posting from my phone. I've eaten my protein and drank my water. have not exercised. i just am tired.wish i could sleep for days.

holidaze

Christmas eve and Christmas I gave myself a little break and at a few candies, some tortilla chips, some crackers and stuff. On Christmas day I had to work and I'd spent the morning opening presents and all that with the kids and not eating much. So by the time I got to work at 2 I was ready to eat the paint off the walls. Luckily people had brought in food and I did not have to resort to that, but I ate a huge portion of mashed potatoes. Today I've been very depressed and PMS-y and feeling the post-holiday let down. Been crying on and off, and eating the hell outta my feelings. Tomorrow is another day. I am hoping to take the kids to the grandparents and spend a few hours, then X has a friend's birthday party tomorrow evening.
I ordered Just Dance 4 since M got a PS3 game bundle with the move stuff included. I haven't had time/inclination/weather/shoes to go running again.

Day 5

Long, long, horrible, terribad day at work. I mean, I rocked it, don't get it twisted. But it was a really jacked up day. Lunch was my coworker and me trading off for two or three bites here and there (I had leftover chicken and roasted veggies). That's how busy we were. But I didn't have any of the sweets floating around at work! I did have an Ale-8 my sweet coworker Chris had given me last weekend. I put it in the refrigerator when she gave it to me and found it today. I REGRET NOTHING. It was so good.
E made vaca frita for dinner, along with Brussels sprouts topped with bacon. YUM. Didn't do great with water today but I did ok. Tomorrow will be a big test of resolve. I'll be surrounded with treeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaats. And I'mma eat some, for real. But not stuff myself. I'm also going to be making pecan pie and some cookies and things to take to the family for Christmas.

Day 4

Not a bad day. I did have 3 peanut butter balls, but I didn't have any cookies, bread pudding, candy, or pumpkin roll. Christmas at work is a minefield of deliciousness. Lunch was a gigantic salad with roast turkey.  Eric made chicken tenders (homemade) and roasted veggies for dinner. He also made mac & cheese but I didn't have any of that, of course. Got chastised by the charge nurse (who reads my blog) for running in those boots. Oopsie! Won't do that again! Drank my water LIKE A BOSS all day. Got a good night's sleep last night, but probably won't tonight. Tomorrow is work 12 hours, come home and WRAP ALL THE THINGS.

temptation

Here at work this morning--so it begins. I didn't eat before I left the house, had designs on getting here and having some yogurt and turkey. Here comes my friend with a sack of sausage & egg biscuits. Ok, so I had one. I ate a peanut butter ball, too. They were both yummy. I did indulge, but I also ate them slowly and delberately, deciding that if I was going to have them I'd really enjoy them and make up for the sugar and biscuit with my lunch and dinner. I'm also not even a little bit interested in the cookies and candies in the breakroom. I brought a huge salad today, and leftover turkey, and yogurt. I've kept my water tumbler close by and filled it up several times. OH! I got on the scale here at work this morning. 177. Was 181 last week. Fluke? Water? I am just gonna take it and run!

day 3

My ass is draggin', y'all. I've been up since 4 am, when I woke with a start and couldn't get back to sleep. Stoopid apocalypse. Did OK today. Eggs and sausage, one tsp sugar in my coffee, salad with leftover roast turkey for lunch, beef chili for dinner. Did just OK with water today. My daughter came over today and baked goodies for her coworkers (she was right here in town and I wanted to visit with her) and I wasn't even tempted. So weird.
I've packed my lunch for tomorrow and I'm off to bed. Thinking about weighing in tomorrow at work.

day 2 wrap up

Another very good day. Satisfied my sweet tooth by mixing some cocoa powder and peppermint extract plus one TBSP sugar with my coffee this morning. Ate breakfast (eggs and all-beef sausage), big salad and yogurt for lunch, roast turkey with oven roasted broccoli and cauliflower for dinner. I ate a lot of that turkey. It was soo good. Lots of leftovers to add to tomorrow's salad, too. I drank lots of water today, too. Had a wine spritzer and a dirty shirley this evening with Fresca. Baby steps, y'all. Quitting booze is going to be the hardest part of this whole thing, I'm sure. I do love a bedtime cocktail.
I did about 20 mins of yoga but had to stop to pick up M from school. It was too rainy, windy, and cold to run.
Tomorrow is all about getting ready for Christmas and getting ready for the weekend. I work 12's every weekend and usually end up eating crap at work because I don't prepare. Not anymore! I am going to the grocery store tomorrow and loading up on all the good stuff I need to eat right at work.
Y'all gonna think I'm nuts (that's ok) but I swear my belly is not as bloaty and weird as it was just a couple of days ago. It's still big. I still look 6 months pregnant when I'm not sucking it in, but idk, it's like....less bloated and hard(?) I guess?
The boys and I did a craft while the turkey was in the oven and that was fun. They had been driving me nuts and I thought "we should make use of that huge box of craft stuff". They made paper bag reindeer.
Tomorrow is the last day of school before winter break. Hopefully we can keep the kids on some semblance of a schedule during the break. E has to work so that will help.
I realize I have virtually no audience here and that is just fine wit me. I'm keeping track of things and using a conversational style works best for me.
so that's day 2. Gooooo, me!

Yoga day 1

Nothing like yoga to make you realize how out of shape you are (and how bad your carpet needs cleaning and deodorizing omg)! Xander turned out to be a crap-tacular yoga coach, running around and being a butt and trying to climb on me while I did the poses and continually asking "Why can't we watch Charlie Brown Christmas instead of this?" Oh, well. I guess yoga will be something I do while he's at preschool or otherwise occupied. At least there's one workout he likes so far (running).
No C25K for us today--it's so windy my skinny little boy would blow away, even if it wasn't raining. I'm barely exaggerating, it really is crazy windy.
OK, so yoga. I like it! I have many friends who have been doing yoga and/or pilates for years and have great results and love it. So yoga is here to stay, even though I have to modify some of the poses right now due to my out-of-shaped-ness.
The holidays are going to be difficult, what with all of the delicious food all over the place and wine flowing and such as. I'll probably give myself a break on Christmas Eve and NYE, not gonna lie. Not a free for all binge-fest, but a bit of a break.
I've wrapped exactly one present, and that was for the pre-school gift exchange this morning. And I wrapped it...this morning. I found the present I'd lost today! YAY! Now to make a huge list of things to do and things to buy. I work all weekend so tomorrow is the day to get it all done. Christmas Eve is spent at MIL's with the family--playing games, eating yummy food, and generally being merry. I have to work Christmas day from 2pm-9pm (booo!) but that should be fun, too. I plan to bring jalapeno popper dip for that feast, and maybe spinach artichoke dip, too.
Tonight I'm roasting a turkey breast awwww yeeeeeeeeaaaahh.

"before" pic

I guess now is as good a time as any to post a "before" picture or whatever. My son took this last Friday at the movies. Just hanging out with Gandalf, nbd.

I weighed in at 181 at work the next day.

I am cranky and whiny this morning and have a headache. Might be the carb detox flu I've read about? I feel overwhelmed at all the crap I have to do today and tomorrow like last minute shopping and cooking and stupid present wrapping. I'm the world's worst present wrapper. Maybe Eric can do that part. I've lost a Christmas present, which really sucks. I have lots of housework to do, too. Wheee! It's pouring rain again, so no C25K today. Hulu has beginner yoga, which Xander and I are going to try today after preschool.

Day 1 Wrap Up

Today was mostly good. I was mostly successful at avoiding wheat and sugar. Full disclosure, I ate a few bites of apple pie filling from the pie I made for the kids' dessert. None of the crust, though. Another full disclosure moment--I drank some Chinese weight loss tea that is supposed to boost metabolism. It gave me the B.G.'s something terrible and I spent several hours this evening in the bathroom wishing I was dead. Ok maybe not dead but wishing I'd never drank that stuff. Nevar again the Chinese weight loss tea tiemz! I threw the rest of the box away. I did some exercise and stretching in the morning and then Xander and I did most of the first workout for C25K in the afternoon. So I'mma call today a win. I ate breakfast (eggs and bacon,coffee with fat free half and half) which is something I never do. It's a huge problem. Big salad for lunch, homemade chicken and veggie soup for dinner. Yogurt for snack. I had a wine spritzer a few minutes ago. So that was day one, y'all, pretty much.

Couch to 5K

I downloaded a C25K app on the weekend and wanted to start it on Monday. Monday it poured rain all day AND I had a terrible headache most of the day. So that no work. Yesterday I didn't get around to it.
Finally today Xander and I got off our butts and did the first workout. Well, most of it. I had to skip the last 2 intervals because I wanted to die and didn't want to vomit in the middle of my quaint little street in front of all my neighbors. It is .85 miles from my door to the end of the street and back again, so that's what we did. The last intervals I just walked. I thought maybe Xander would hinder my progress but it was just the opposite. He was an enthusiastic partner, throwing out lots of encouragement and praise. "We're doing great, aren't we, Mommy? Running is so fun, right? Look there's the stop sign, we made it, we are great runners!" My own personal little cheerleader. It's a 3x/week program and I work all weekend so I guess we'll do it again tomorrow and Friday. Next time I will dress more appropriately. Today I just wanted to get that first step out the door out of the way before I lost my nerve and decided that being fat and unhealthy is fine, let's make cookies! So I was wearing jeans and sweatshirt and these comfy cloth boots that might as well be house shoes. Yeah. So tomorrow we'll wear sneakers and workout duds.

accountability check in

Got up an hour early and exercised. I guess that's what I was doing. There are so many exercise programs and moves and stuff online that it's overwhelming. I guess I will go through some today and make a plan instead of random flailing and jumping jacks. I also drank my water. Now I'm having coffee with fat free half & half, no sugar. I'm not swearing off sugar entirely, at least not right now. But I can't help thinking that starting my day with a huge dose of sugar every day just can't be good for me. And as for the coffee,well, I need that to live,sooo...
Just for reference, this is me. I'm at my highest weight ever, including the day before I delivered any of my babies. (181 pounds)

I don't think I look horrible or anything. I don't think weight is an indicator of health, either. When I was at my lowest weight I was the most unhealthy I've ever been. Unhappiest, too. I think my goal here, more than a number on a scale, is just simply feeling better. I feel like a lump of crap most days and that has nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with how I'm fueling my body (hint: not very well!) and how much I move (not very much). Weight is secondary and I'm not gonna get bogged down in it. Matter of fact, I'm not going to weigh but once a month and only because I just have to know.
So we talked about sugar a little bit, and coffee (you can't have it, stop asking). I don't know when I will be able to part with wine. I have a glass of wine every night. Maybe I won't have to part with wine? I've read that wine is good for you in some ways, in moderation. But yeah, sugar is a problem, along with wheat and most other grains.
Goals for today: no wheat, no mindless sugar consumption,research beginner at-home exercise

mawwiage

Being married is incredibly difficult, I think. I wonder if other marriages have rules like we do. Like for example, if one of us gets a wonky feeling about a friend or colleague of the other's, we totally have veto power to say "You aren't allowed to play with ______ anymore." or "I need you to limit your time with ______ to X occasions only." And that's pretty much that, and we've never abused it. We're protective of our marriage and when people say that marriage is hard work I think maybe this is part of what they mean. It's hard breaking off relationships with people who make your spouse uncomfortable. It's hard stopping or cutting down behaviors you've been doing your whole life to please your spouse. It's hard being "whipped". Well, I am proud to be whipped and so is he. It's like a badge we both wear that says HAPPILY MARRIED, STEP OFF, SKANKS!
One thing that is super neat-o about my marriage is that it is "you & me against the world" kinda. If I am in a disagreement with someone, he's on MY side, always, and vice-versa. I really dig that. Now, that is not to say that we don't tell each other when we're being ridiculous about something (more on that later) but the angle we start from is always about what is best for the other. The other person in the disagreement is incidental. Our primary focal point is each other.
Another thing that is both awesome and terrible about marriage (mine, anyway, idk about yours) is that there is always someone to check you when you are making a mistake or being an asshole.

I got goalz n stuff--super long catch up post

So many things I wish for, but I'm going to narrow it down to things I think are actually attainable in 2013. Some of the things are about me. I'm going to be 40 in May and there are some things that I need to do to be happy at 40. I have already started some changes (really small ones!) and am adding another small change every day or two while holding on to the others. Like a snowball, kinda. One thing I've tried before and failed and failed at is getting rid of wheat. I KNOW that wheat and my body do not get along. I KNOW that when I am not eating wheat I feel wonderful and weight starts coming off and my belly gets smaller. I have more energy. Fewer headaches. Fewer belly aches. I know this. It's something worth succeeding at. So I will continue to strive to be wheat free, even if I fail some or back slide some. I don't think I have to detail why wheat is such a powerful enemy, especially around the holidays. I mean, the rolls alone. **drool** Potatoes are another foe, but baby steps, here. Wheat is my main rival and I think once it's conquered the other foods that make me feel shitty will be much easier to vanquish. I have other small goals and changes that I'm doing like drinking water, and lots of it. Getting up earlier than the kids and having time to plan for the day and just be alone for a few minutes. Exercise is coming, baby steps baby steps. I REALLY want a bicycle. Will be budgeting that in, hopefully in the next few months.

Some of the things are about our house. Our house needs work. Oh hey, look! I made the understatement of the year. We got issues. Plumbing issues. Window issues. Central air issues (being that we, like, don't have it). Our carpet sucks. The kitchen needs repainting. The roof leaks over the porch, which really sucks because we have a great porch (once we paint it!). The garage door needs replacing, our driveway needs gravel, some low limbs need trimming, and after it's all done and just the way we want it inside? There are plans to paint the outside.  Now don't think I'm ungrateful or hate my house. Nooo, no, no, no. I freakin' love my house, warts and all. Any shit talking my house is ill-advised. I'm allowed to say my house is shitty. You.are.not. I guess the point of this rambling is that we are fixing our house one step at a time, in the order that WE, the people who live here, deem correct. I don't need perfection and the suggestion that my house is not good enough makes me pretty darn angry. I live here. Hello. My kids LIVE HERE. So yeah. One thing at a time and we'll get where we need to be without going into debt or jacking up our budget. And I'm gonna detail those steps here, you lucky possums!  (as my friend Doe would say) Priority one is the stupid driveway. I've priced gravel and that is within the budget in 3 pay periods, as is a plumber to fix some ongoing issues that are manageable but a pain in the ass. After that we'll look into the other issues and how to tackle them. It would be so nice to have central air next summer! But insulation must be blown in, first, or it would be a waste of money. So many things! But I am excited by the prospect of getting our house the way we want it, even though it's overwhelming. Baby steps! NOW, those are the goals for fixing up the house. Keeping house? That's....something else entirely. The clutter monster keeps creeping up and having to be slain, over and over again. I have systems for many things, but clutter still has a strong presence here and I don't like it one bit.  My car is the worst. It's like a mobile garbage can/laundry basket. Organizational goals will be detailed later, once I've got an idea of what I want to do with this problem.

My kids need one on one time with E and with me. That's a goal that's going to be difficult, but attainable with some creative thinking and follow through. I took M to a movie after his dentist appointment on Friday, just him and me. It was so nice to have that time together!  I'd like to do some more things like that and for E to, too. I get lots of time with X, since I'm home all day with him during the week after preschool. We've started playing Uno an Wii games together in the evenings instead of all going our separate ways and plugging into something. Crafting is fun, too, and something the boys and I enjoy, maybe not E so much. I do best with concrete plans, plugged into my calendar with a reminder pop up. Pretty soon it will be Christmas break so I have a few ideas for things to do together so we don't drive each other nuts. They'll have new toys and things to keep them busy, too, but that will bring more clutter. Being a grown up is so super fun, don't you agreeee?