OH hey, remember when I said that I didn't hate my body enough to care about losing weight and stuff? Got that taken care of today. Burlington Coat Factory got some harsh mirrors, y'all.

i'm ok, you're an asshole

Blogging may be changing the world as we know it.  Never before has anything so intimately connected people. People get closer by sharing information with each other, right? And that only goes so far. But now we’re putting our diaries on the internet. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Getting detailed about your inner workings and feelings en masse is not something that’s ever existed before. All the complex inner dialogue that accompanies parenting and puberty and aging and everything else is shared by others on a huge scale and we know that we’re….normal. I wonder what horrible choices I might not have made as a teenager if I’d had the internet? I had magazines, but they make more money the worse you feel about yourself and were written from that angle. Bloggers might be selling ad-space but they are sharing (for the most part) their true lives. I’m sure someone somewhere is doing an in-depth study on this. If they’re not, they should be.

A 60-something acquaintance just joined facebook.  It makes me sad that instead of intelligent discussion she’ll be sucked into Tea Party nonsense about Keepin’ Merika, Merika! Fear tactics that tell blatant lies and twist facts and operate on the premise that “Straight White Men are supposed to be in charge, remember, y’all? We’re like, the Boss of the World, WTF happened????.” They realized recently that the internet was off and running and they were left behind. So this pathetic, last ditch smear campaign is laughable in the context of the future of the world. (Please God Please) The kids aren’t buying this shit, thank God. Some of them are, but most teenagers and young 20’s I know aren’t. Jersey Shore may have claimed some of our young people, but by no means all. The stereotype of typical American teenager is a bunch of bullshit. The older teens and 20’s have grown up with more media programming aimed at them than anyone ever has. Ever. Think about that for a minute. Yes, it’s to sell things. That’s how it works. But the programming itself has dialed into kids and what they want. It’s done a fair share of telling them what they want, too, which is not good, of course. I don’t like how the media portrays a “normal” socioeconomic status that is anything but. BUT there is some good in it. They see kids on TV feeling the same feelings they are, and that tells them their friends are feeling them, too.  Talk to a lot of people my age. We never dreamed that the other kids were having those same feelings. We all thought we were freaks!! Even when our parents told us “the other kids are going through this, too”, we didn’t believe them. We had violent cartoons and overinflated afterschool specials and going out to play when Soul Train came on. And Mr. Rogers, who helped so many people my age by telling them they were special and worthy and OK. Nobody will ever replace Mr. Rogers, but kids have so many more people telling them those things now than ever before in human history. My daughters are in their early 20’s. They grew up on Barney and Shining Time Station and Mr. Rogers and then Nickelodeon. Shows for kids! Shows that were actually about kids! “All That!” showed them that kids could be funny—really funny. Say what you will about that show, but it was funny.

A friend’s post about Bettie Page got me thinking. There are powerful women on a global scale. Female athletes and singers and actors and scholars and authors and politicians and professionals and mothers are in charge of their own lives in a new way. More nonwhite people are powerful in America than ever. Maybe more young white men will recognize their privilege and start using their perceived ‘power’ for the good of humanity instead of the good of themselves. I know mine are being raised that way, and I don’t mean in an “I apologize for being a white man” way. I mean in the “I’m not an asshole” way. 

When do they get "cool"?

M is 8 years old, the age when you learn how to be funny. He's learning his style, evolving from the baby jokes and unfunny knock-knocks into something a wee bit more sophisticated. He's also right on the cusp of being **gulp**....cool. I'm Mom sometimes now, not Mommy. He's learning that all the kids at school are not his friends. Some kids aren't very nice, and some are. Up until very recently he just couldn't understand why all the other kids didn't want to be his best friend. He's finally figuring out lunch room techniques so that he has enough time to eat all of his food. That made me crazy, all the wasted food he brought home from lack of someone telling him "you have to finish up, lunch is almost over". I guess that's just something kids have to learn. Listening to him and his dad play their video game together is the most wonderful, squee-worthy thing I've ever not understood one word of. They discuss at length the ins and outs of transports and armor and combat and bio-labs and earning badges or some-such. I asked him the other day if he was the good guy or the bad guy and he said "Mommy, it's a war. Everybody thinks they are the good guy." OH, well then. Dang. Mouths of babes, right? He's learned to tie his shoes. Yeah, yeah, I know that's like a 5-year-old skill, but yo, he got the Velcro. It took about 30 seconds, too. Loop it, swoop it, pull it. He had it down, just like that. He is really tall for his age and skinny as a rail. Eric and I were both super-skinny kids, too. I remember my older cousins not letting me sit on their laps because my butt was so skinny my bones hurt their legs. Now I know why! OW! He's still very sweet and lovey and I still get tons of hugs and kisses. There's still some residual whining but he gets over it pretty fast. Mainly because it doesn't work and he's learned that. He loves to build with Lego and he brings me his creations to admire. Polar opposite of his brother with regard to performing in front of others. He ain't doing it. He is growing up a little in that department and realizing that it's fun or at least not horrible to sing in a group of kids for school functions. He also did the catwalk on Literacy Night in his goat costume, in front of a big group of parents and kids. So his stage-fright has gotten better, but he's still not comfortable performing. It's not for him. He gets that from E. He's very sweet. He does get annoyed with X but I admit X is a little bit much. I try to run interference because I know it's difficult dealing with X sometimes. I do tell him how much his brother admires him and wants to be just like him. When he did his school report on the President he practiced giving his presentation for me and X in the morning before school. The rest of the day X was fascinated with Marack Obama and wanted to know all about him. M is color-blind. We learned that at his first grade eye test. No issues with it, just something M is dealing with. I still wash his hair. We'll probably teach him to do it himself soon. I'm steeling myself for him to become too cool to kiss me goodbye in the morning or hold my hand in public. I don't think the sweetness will go away, though. He's so good-hearted, and I think that is just part of who he is.

Tenacious X

X is a talker. He tells tall tales, spins yarns that include other homes he owns and is planning to move to any day now. Today he's planning on packing up and heading for New York, where his favorite Great Aunt lives. He owns the house next door, ya see. He's made her several Valentines today (I got some, too!) to put "in the mailbox with a real stamp" tomorrow. At the grocery store yesterday he informed no less than 10 fellow shoppers that he got puppy dog Valentines for pre-school and one of the puppies is eating a sandwich! Once we reached the check-out he counted to 100 by tens approximately 642 times for the checker and all of the bag boys. Are bag boys still bag boys? Is there some PC term now like "grocery engineers"? Anyway, that boy loves to talk. And perform. We are treated to nightly concerts paying tribute to Weird Al. Let's just say he got an accordion for his 4th birthday. The boy is obsessed. He knows as many Weird Al lyrics as I do, and that's a LOT. The boy can sing and dance well, too, and loves to be on stage. He is my last chick, about to go to Kindergarten. He is doing great in pre-school--writing his letters and numbers, writes his name. He's really interested in learning to read. He loves to ask "how do you spell ____?" and will write stories. They all run together, but you can recognize words. Right now he's playing a game called Dog! Cat! Hamster! He is running back and forth, following the pattern on the floor and yelling "Dog! Cat! Hamster!" Every now and then he'll stop and say FISH! He never stops moving. He isn't afraid of anything except snakes. He'll have no truck with snakes. He climbs any and all climbable structures with zero forethought into how he's getting down. He just wings it. When he falls down he is already saying (sometimes tearfully) "I'm OK!" before he walks it off and moves on. He's also relentless. My husband nicknamed him Tenacious X. He gets what he wants, hook or crook. Usually hook--he's really charming. He is loving and wants to please. He tells me "Mommy, you're so beautiful!" just about every day. X is 5 and a half. He turned five the day before school started. No way was I sending this wild child, five years old for one stinkin' day, 3rd percentile on the growth chart BABY to Kindy. We thought about it and entertained it, but deep inside we knew a long time ago we'd red-shirt this guy. We didn't want him to be labelled, spirited as he is, as a bad kid. He wasn't ready to behave and listen and sit still for 7 hours a day. No way. He's almost ready, now, though, I think. By the time Kindergarten starts he'll be ready. It was a good decision. Plus I get to have him for another year and get to hear his stories and help him learn to read and write. WINNING!

It's our anniversary

Midnight, Jan 1, 2000

So today is our 10th anniversary. We'd been together about 6.5 years when we got married, raising the girls together and living together for about 5.5 of that. We were engaged almost a year, trying to plan a wedding for a huge family while being simultaneously dead ass broke. I was getting an ulcer. It was bad.

I was at work when I got the call. I worked in a lab and it was a big deal to get a personal call. He'd tripped on his shoelace in the kitchen and hit the stove face first. He needed dental work NOW. Guess who had dental insurance and who didn't? We said screw it. We'd wanted to be married for a long time and it was just enough already. The JOP came to our apartment that night and we just did it.

d'aaaaaaaaaawww we're getting married! Check out our entertainment center!

Later that year, since my MIL is a genius, we were able to have a nice reception with the extended family. She planned a lot of it and everyone pitched in one way or another to help. 

We started trying for a baby right away--I was pregnant by October. We lost that pregnancy the day after Christmas. It sucked, but going through that together was another layer of our cement. Tried again the next month and BAM!, M was born that November 2004. E went back to school in January and we did a lot of juggling and working opposite shifts and baby passing and breastpumping and exhaustion and trying to raise 3 kids and pay the bills. Around Christmas 2006 we thought the bottom was going to drop out--I was pregnant again. How were we going to do this? E never let on but he was scared shitless that he'd have to drop out and never be an engineer. 

Poor M, he was born before facebook and therefore I have no easy access to his newborn pics! I LOVE this pic though--I was so stoked. I'd just had my 4th natural childbirth LIKE A BOSS.

It timed out perfectly, though--X was born days before the fall semester started, so I was able to take FMLA and he could finally do the classes he had to have that were only offered in the daytime. This was huge. 

It still took years, since we both had to work and raise kids and live and all..but he didn't have to drop out. 

Then he was offered a fellowship to grad school--aww yeah! YAY we get to be super poor for another year! Wheee! But who can say no to that? Not us!

That beard gets a little whiter as we go! 

So here we are. We've raised 2 children to adulthood together. That's kind of huge, I think. Now, because we're crazy, we're doing it again. 

Me and my honey a few months ago at the fall fest

We're still besties. We still laugh our asses off pretty much constantly, which is basically what it's all about, right? I think I'll keep him!

blerg

Siiiiiiiiiiick. I left work after 3 hours yesterday, and I don't do that. Came home, napped, hot bath, codeine. I think I ate? Now I'm up and getting ready for a 12 hour shift, purse full of meds. Hopefully my voice will hold out for at least today, then I'll have a week to recover. I sound like Kathleen Turner.

Several posts about pregnancy and birth on my feed this morning. So glad to be done with all of that! During my years of pregnancy and breastfeeding I thought it was wonderful and beautiful and all that, but I am thrilled to never have to do it again.

We had a little teaser the other day, a lovely warm springy day (see previous post with pic of me on the roof), and I am so ready for winter to GTFO. Time to paint and scrub and redecorate and purge! Winter sucks the life out of me. Spring gives it back.

I figured it out!

I finally figured out why I am having such a problem dieting and losing weight and stuff.

I totally don't hate my body enough. Or, really, at all. I see pics of myself and think I'm cute. Even my "before" pic I put on this here blog...I think I look purty cute in it. I look in the mirror and think "lookin' good, bb".  **shrug** When I look at pictures of the perfect models and celebrities in magazines and online, I marvel at the photoshop that has rendered them poreless and elbowless and obviously devoid of internal organs. I have no desire for that level of "perfection", even if it was attainable. Do I wear makeup on occasion? Yes. Do I pluck and wax and get my hurr did on occasion? Yes. But, my skin has texture and stretch marks and scars and rolls and room for all of my organs (just like everyone else's). I don't mind them or think they are some enemy to be purged. I don't prize thinness the way I'm obviously supposed to. I do however, really prize my left arm. I use it literally all the time.

OMG STACEY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE HEEAAALTHY??
News flash. I am healthy. I'm one of the healthiest people I know. All of my systems are awesome. Reproductive, circulatory, endocrine, all of it. I am active and able to do all the things I want to do. Here is me, a few hours ago:

Just a healthy old fat broad, sweeping the roof and fixing a leak.

My sex life is also super hot, in case you were wondering (and you totally were, ya nasty). I'm not self conscious or unable to get into a sexy frame of mind because I'm omgfat. I'm just not.

To review: I'm awesome, I don't care that I'm too fat, I don't care if you think I'm too fat, and having a left arm totally rules.

so dumb for real

Someone shares a picture from People of Walmart or some similar poor/fat/dumb/slut shaming site, proclaiming that some people should not be trusted to dress themselves and omg isn't that sooo hilarious you guize?????? They're fat/dumb/poor/slutty! LOL LOL LOL

Five minutes later they post some dumbass bullshit about the second amendment (well regulated says what?) and proclaim that those same people they just deemed untrustworthy with clothing should freely be able to procure assault weapons.

OH, OK

Yesterday was a super duper awesome day full of fun and laughter and marital happiness and friends and kids and brownies and just everything that's good. Ever have a day like that? Yesterday was the poo.

NOW I am draggin' ass and paying for yesterday. My kid made it to school but my other kid is still snoozing away at 10:30. Ooops. He even went to bed early.

Lordy it's grocery day. Did I mention my ass was draggin' today? I found so many great recipes and now I need to translate them into a grocery list. Yippee. I'm gonna need a lot more coffee.

Did a little shopping, got a few things. I feel like I have a few more wardrobe choices now, which is nice.
I wore yoga pants today, does that count? Other than that I'm like exercise deficient. My living room has little pieces of cheap manufactured desk strewn akimbo so I am not able to Just Dance, even if I wanted to. Huzbin is being a sport and putting it together for me, bless his heart. Both of my kids (when I say 'both of my kids' I mean both of the ones who still live in my house, jsyk) are acting a damn fool and are about to get put to bed 2 hours early. A more likely scenario is that they are going to be put in front of a movie and told to be still and shut up or else. Yeah.
Spent an inordinate amount of time on the phone arguing with insurance reps today. Changing companies and therefore health insurance is a giant pain in the ass. Then I get a text telling me our direct deposit is FUBAR and we won't be getting a paycheck until next week. Awesome!
Also IDK about you but I don't like to be badgered or criticized. By, like, anyone. Ever. Not only do I not like it, I'll stop talking to someone who does it to me enough times. The world is full of people to talk to and interact with, so badgering and criticism gets you put on the "only engage when necessary" list. And a lot of people in this world are on the "Zero Times Necessary" list.
We're getting a puppy! She is only a few weeks old and just opened her eyes. A sweet little stray terrier followed my nephew home and the rest is history. My boys are excited to get a puppy and I think we're at a point in our family to welcome one. The girls are super excited, too, which surprised me. I've always been anti-pet but the stars have aligned and who am I to argue with the stars, I ask you? Nobody, that's who! She is so cute and I am so excite.
I really need a lifestyle makeover. I need Oprah or Ricki or someone to clean my house and organize my stuff and stuff.

I'm going shopping today!! Most of my clothes don't fit the way I want them to. They're either too big or too little and don't feel good or flatter my body at all. I have a little bit of clothing budget (finally) so I'm on the hunt for new jeans, new tops, new bras & underwear, and new sneakers.

Stupid period week, and had to work way more than usual due to call ins and flu season. I ran late yesterday and could not leave for lunch, so I wound up having to call for pizza. Ugh. They are the only people in town who'll bring food to you at work. So I ate pizza and felt gross for the rest of the day. It was that or starve and get all hangry. And you know that ain't good for one's career.
With all the work and stress at home for various reasons I have not worked out much. I'm pretty much out of GAF's this week, for real. I hope they come back! Trying to get inspired but most of that is just patriarchal bullshit.

on a roll

This grain free shit is for the birds. No amount of bacon can take the place of a homemade yeast roll, fresh out of the oven and dripping with butter. That's all I want. I don't miss pasta. I do miss a peanut butter sandwich with my bowl of chili (which I am having for breakfast this morning). I know in my head that grains make me tired, bloated, and keep me from losing the weight I want to lose. But my heart wants that yeast roll, y'all.
I packed a huge salad made with romaine, gorgonzola, walnuts, cranberries, chunks of granny smith apple, and leftover rotisserie chicken. I work a 12 today so I have to think about what I'm going to eat or I'll find myself at a drive-thru or broaster's chicken (like yesterday oops). Not doing so good on workouts the last few days. I lost another pound, though.
Time to get going. Hope this weekend goes by fast at work. UGH

OK I have to get off the chocolate train! So since I am the type of person who needs hard and fast rules, I now have a "one Dove dark chocolate per day and no other chocolate or sweets" rule. I'm working a little too hard and am too motivated to let chocolate win, I mean, damn.
Today's workout is one mile fast walk (our street is .4 miles long so really .8 miles) this morning and then BBT workout tonight and yoga before bed.

Still doing OK. Weighed at work on Saturday and had lost one pound, not too shabby especially since my aunt is in town this week. E is cooking more lately and has been researching and looking up recipes and finding ideas for things that I can eat. Today I did eat too much chocolate because of aunt flo and 70% off after christmas sale on dark chocolate marshmallow mint thingies. damn, I ate 4 of them. OOPS. Still exercising but have not yet today. Need to get on that. Also I have not stopped drinking. This is bad. But a glass of red each night is supposed to be good for you? So I've been having that. Tonight we had hot Italian sausage and roasted cauliflower. So good. Tomorrow is spaghetti night so I will just eat meatballs and sauce I guess. Pasta is my enemy.

Happy New Year!

Been doing well the last few days, just haven't come over here. I have been tracking calories at Sparkpeople, but I don't really participate too much in the community aspect of it. I'm sure it helps a lot of people but it's not for me.
Today I did eat my one grain-cheat...sushi. Lots of it! All you can eat sushi buffet! It was glorious. E and I got some time together out of the house and I got to eat lots of sushi. Win/Win!

oops that was from New Year's Day, forgot to hit "publish". Still going good, staying in my ranges, not eating wheat, drinking water, and exercising. Woot! I feel more energetic the last few days, thank God. I am tired of being tired. I have been going to bed on time every night, even on NYE! I need sleep to function.
As far as exercise I try to add something new to the mix every day. I hate getting bored with my workout, because then I stop doing it. SO I am getting silly with it. Every evening I do this one:

I'm watching BBT anyway, so this is a fun way to watch it.
Our family just got Just Dance 4. It might not be a workout for some fitness buffs who run 5 miles before breakfast, but this old fat lady works up a sweat! And it's FUN. X has been playing it all day, especially the "super hero guy", so I've been rickrolled all day long. So basically I've gotten off my ass every day, which is more than I'd been doing for a long time. Also keeping track of my food helps sooo much with mindless snacking. YAY for me, basically.